Into the Woods

I think I may be evil.

Even worse, I think I might be e-veeel.  Those extra consonants signify the severity of my malevolence.

Yeah, I'm guilty of all the other typical "bad" stuff that we all do.  Like, framing my kid for eating the last donut hole.  Or taking credit for a group gift before I've handed in my financial contribution.  Or secretly hoping a cop shows up to pull over the jackass that's been riding my ass for miles and who then suddenly breaks free to go 60 in a 35 mph zone. 

That's all normal "bad" behavior.  It's not even that bad, really.  I've probably done worse stuff but I don't feel comfortable detailing it here, in front of God, Allah, Cher, or whatever one-named deity you pray to.

But I will admit to this...

A few weeks ago I was going for one of my jogs around the neighborhoods.  As much as I am not an "outdoorsy" type, I've always loved jogging outside. The fresh air and freedom to go anywhere is truly relaxing for me- so long as I'm in an area that is scrubbed of dangerous critters like snakes, bobcats, alligators, etc.  

Basically, I want a Disney-fied outdoors experience, where everything is perfectly controlled and managed to be artificially safe and beautiful.

Of course, we don't live in the "Truman Show", so critters come with the territory.  I still manage to delude myself of their existence by sticking mostly to the suburbs for my jogs.  The possible presence of humanity makes me feel safe, even though I always hope I never have to actually encounter another human being.  

Anyway, as I was saying, I was out for a jog when I decided to take a new turn and run towards the small lake near the dog park.  There is a tall bridge that I thought would be fun to run up, catch my breath and take a look at the view.  Afterwards, I was beginning to ascend the bridge when a bright yellow sign caught me eye.

"Beware rattlesnakes in area" it said.

I froze on the spot.  I didn't even have a chance to pause my podcast.  My eyes instinctively darted around me, expecting to suddenly see a coiled snake ready to strike. 

I gulped hard, grateful that I hadn't seen the sign on my way up but deciding that perhaps I won't be jogging back in this area again.  I cautiously looked all about as I made my way back up the trail.  Back towards humanity.

Then, last week, I was walking Georgia and found myself drawn back to that same trail.  It was a lovely day and I do love going by that big lake.  I thought as long as I stay away from the precise area where the sign was, I'd be safe. 

Once we got to the lake and took in the view, I realized I needed to get home to leave for work.  We were about to walk back the way we came, but I remembered that that way actually takes me longer to get home.  I needed to take the shortcut...through the woods.

Now, again, this is a fairly well-cleared path through the woods, but it is also the domain of all the creatures.  And suddenly, the image of that sign was flashing in my mind.  I felt stuck.

Then, I noticed an elderly man hobbling along.  I had passed him on the way up to the lake and he was only just now catching up to me.  I waited to see where he was going, but secretly hoping he was headed for the woods, himself.

This is where the e-veel comes in.  Here I was, a middle-aged woman, allowing an old man to be the bait for all the bobcats and killer panthers that I imagined lurking in the trees.  I figured, if they get him, they'll be distracted and Georgia and I can get away. 

Such a devious plan.

But, like most devious plans, it backfired.  Just as I was beginning to follow the man into the woods, I lost sight of him.  When I didn't hear a man screaming in terror, I kept going hoping to close some of the distance between us.  

I thought I was literally (and figuratively) out of the woods, until I heard something.  I looked up, startled.  There was the old man.  He was hobbling back the way we came.  Damnit, I thought.

He passed me and I suddenly felt stuck again.  Do I cowardly follow him back out?  No, I thought.  He got me this far, but I can make it the rest of the way on my own!

And I did.  I probably looked like a crazy person, stealthily walking in the woods, in broad daylight and with a peppy little dog.  If there were any murderous creatures in the woods, they probably would've been too embarrassed to bother with me.

SO, there's my e-veel confession.  I once used an old man as bait.  Is that bad?  In my defense, he didn't know he was bait.  He was just out getting his steps in probably, unaware that his demise was being counted on for my survival.

At least he did teach me a few things  He taught me not to be so silly and afraid over nothing.  He also taught me that encountering people is not always a bad thing.  Sometimes they come along just when you need them.