Poser?

I am not an elegant woman.  I've never been a great dancer.  I'm not good on ice.  And I'm not really good in a "gown".  I'm not a "gown-gal" as a general rule.

So why would I attempt yoga, you may ask?  In the open?  In the company of dozens of VERY elegant and graceful creatures and surrounded by Sunday morning farmer's market gawkers and passers-by?

Well, for one, I actually do enjoy yoga.  And two...well, I figured it would make for a good post.

Anyway, it all started a few weeks ago.  I was doing the usual scrolling through Facebook when I saw an ad for free outdoor yoga on the lawn of the Lakewood Ranch Medical Center during the Sunday farmer's market here in town.  

Hmm, I thought.  That might be nice.  And then I noticed my friend and fellow book-club member Becca had clicked on the "Interested" button.  I decided to click it too and almost immediately we were planning a Sunday to go together.  Last Sunday was the decided day.

I was running late, as I usually am on Sundays, but I quickly threw on what I thought was a perfectly acceptable yoga outfit.  Incidentally, how cool is it to wear yoga pants TO yoga? They're not just for getting away with wearing essentially pajama pants outside of your house in order to make a Target run- which is primarily how I've always worn them.

Anyway, as I make my way to the farmer's market, it hits me.  Embarrassment.  Fear.  Anxiety.  I realize I'm going to be walking into the session after its already started.  I probably won't be able to find Becca and even if I do, it's not like I'll be able to sidle up next to her.  Instead, I'll have to try to find a unassuming way to insinuate myself into the session.

As I walk up to the lawn I see 15 or 20 women sitting on their yoga mats in a relaxed pose, facing away from me.  Perfect, I think, there's plenty of space on the outside of the group so I can slip my mat out without anyone noticing me.  Just as I get to an open spot, the instructor tells the group to twist around to stretch their backs.  Suddenly, 20 faces are pointed in my direction.  Damnit, I grumble.

Thankfully their eyes are down and they're too focused on their breathing to notice me, so I quietly toss my phone and keys to the side, sit on my mat, and try to catch up to the position they're all in.

At last I get settled and try to follow along with the instructor.  The problem is, I really don't know what I'm doing.  And I'm so scared of looking foolish that every time she instructs us to relax and focus our breathing my head is darting around like a meerkat to see what everyone else is doing.  I finally spot Becca and watched as she easily glided from one position to another so gracefully.  I look around to see if I can spot ANYONE who appears as unsure of themselves as I do.  There are a few women who seem at my level.  However, my confidence is really hurt as I watch the skinny yet shapely girls around me lithely bend and lift their agile bodies off the ground.  Even their yoga clothes seem to be buff and in shape.  Whereas I opted for yoga pants and a loose fitting top to cover my torso, these women had outfits that looked molded perfectly to their sculpted figures, so that it was all one.  Like a superhero.

Finally, I hear the instructor say from her microphone, "Relax...don't be concerned with what anyone else is doing...only you know your body.  Be present and in the moment."

Ok, I tell myself.  Try to be present and stop focusing on these girls around you.  Never mind that their bottoms look like perfectly ripe summer plums, while mine looks like a peach left in the plastic bag too long...

Ok, that's not helping, I reprimand myself.  Just quiet your mind and focus on what's around you.  I'm just starting to regain my concentration when in the midst of a pose I notice the flies.  Being that we're outside, a few bugs are to be expected.  I didn't expect a sudden cloud of gnats to descend on my head.  I flicked a few away from my mouth while trying to maintain my cactus arms.  Happily, a breeze rolled in and cleared most of them away.

Ok, I tell myself again.  Let's try this again.

I'm finally starting to feel a groove when we are told to basically kick our leg back while balancing a foot between our hands.  What? I think.  What the hell is that supposed to look like?  I allow myself to peer around me again and see quite clearly what it's supposed to look like.  I watched with quiet jealousy at the people around me.  Their arrow-like legs are elegantly pointed skyward.  I attempt to lift my leg and feel my grip on the mat starting to slip.  The sun has started to heat up and I can feel the sweat beginning to drip down to the heel of my palm.  I shake and wipe the excess sweat off while my leg dangles helplessly above me.  I look and notice, at last, a few other girls (the ones that seem more like me) having some trouble as well, as their legs also dip and wag behind them.  I feel you, soul-sweaty-sister, I think.

We are about to start our final pose.  All in all, I'm pretty proud of myself.   I overcame my fear of public humiliation of coming in late and managed to hold (most of) my own during the whole session, attempting the different poses and feeling the "flow" as they say.

"Now, turn your toes and shift your body facing the left and bend forward."

Oh.  Dear, God.

We all turned our bodies left and bent forward, which basically means I was bending over in front of a bunch of strangers.  Granted, we've been bending over for pretty much the whole session, but I had perfectly placed myself in the back, so while I might have gotten a lot of face time with people's asses, I didn't have to worry about mine in front of other people's faces.  

I gulped, prayed to the elastic Gods that my yoga pants wouldn't slip (or split) and did the pose.  Then we did the other side, and I was much more relieved facing strangers' asses once again.

At last it was over.  We were told to lay on our mats and just breathe for a while, trying to find a moment of peace and clarity.

I laid on my back and stared up into the sky.  I started going over the session in my head.  Did the instructor notice I was late?  Did that girl in the crop top snicker at me?  Did I gross anyone out?

These thoughts tumbled around my head as I watched the clouds above me.  They drifted so slowly, and yet I could see their ever changing shapes.  They seemed to be drifting downward, almost as if to reclaim me in their perfectly crisp, clean whiteness.  Then they became wispy and thin, like the threads of a puffy dandelion, revealing the sharp stunning blue beneath.  I was suddenly aware of nothing and yet everything at once.  I felt the blades of grass on my arms and could feel the earth at my back. A gentle breeze cooled hands while the sun warmed my cheeks.  And the whole time, calming soothing music from the instructor's stereo drifted in like the wind.

It was...beautiful.  I suddenly didn't care about anything else.  There was nobody else.  I felt like I was in the sky at that moment, gliding peacefully through the clouds, with a sweet melody to carry me.

So I might not be an elegant woman and I may never become a yoga master.  But what I felt was such peace and calm.  And for an ever-racing, ever-worrying mind like mine, that's worth all the LuluLemon pants in the world.

Have you ever tried yoga?  What was your experience?  Sound off.....oohhhmmmmm